…if you are a customer in a coffee shop. It is a perk, and in my best interest to provide since there is clearly demand, but you are not owed the internet as part of your coffee drinking experience. Free, unlimited internet access? THAT’S WHAT THE LIBRARY’S FOR.

Other pieces of valuable information that will help YOU become the next Customer of the Day/Week/Month/Forever:

1. Take off your sunglasses indoors. I understand that they may be prescription-strength and you need them to see the menu, but otherwise? I’m trying to provide good service and it’s super awkward to guess where your eyeballs are, especially when your lenses are the size of a scuba mask.

2. If you and a friend are arguing over who’s going to pay, please, one of you, graciously allow the other one to win. Don’t both hand your debit cards out and force the PBTC (person(s) behind the counter) to choose.

3. Speaking of paying, smooth out your bills before you hand ’em over, k? Just takes half a second. It’s also nice if you actually put said bills directly into my hand, instead of just slapping ’em on the counter. And split the distance while you’re at it since forcing the PBTC to sort of lunge for your (barely) outstretched method of payment is kind of mean.

4. Don’t set your child’s bum on the counter. I know your arms are probably tired after hefting lil’ Susie around around all day, but food and drinks go on that counter, some of them rather hot, and other customers might not appreciate eau de tushie around their croissant.

5. On the kid note: if I were younger, I would not be all that excited by a coffee shop. I would probably find the closest expensive piece of machinery, glass jar, or other enticing, noise-making object and begin to play with it. My loud playing would be extremely disruptive to other customers and disrespectful to the PBTC (who must then come out from BTC and clean up the tea leaves/broken mugs/unwrapped straws/poured out sugar packets/demolished pastries/strewn-about espresso machine parts I leave behind).

6. On a second kid note: thanks well-behaved kids! and parents who realize that a coffee shop can be super boring! and parents who let their kids drink decaf, thereby acquiring a taste for legal addictive stimulants at a young age and ensuring the future of this industry! Really, thanks, some kids are indeed awesome, and not just because they like decaf.

7. If the bathroom’s out of soap or paper towels, please, for pity’s sake, tell us. Really. I will not be offended, or judge you for using the facilities.

8. See the person squinting at a screen, moving fast, and calling out orders? That’s the barista. Don’t ask them anything–for a wifi code, can you get more milk, more ice, what time is it–because they are quite obviously busy doing something else. If you want your drink in a reasonable amount of time, leave ’em alone and let them work. Find another PBTC to direct you to the napkins.

9. Unless you have a question about coffee! Or why your drink tastes so good! Then that barista will probably be delighted to explain more subtle nuances in the art of pulling shots than you knew existed. Do you KNOW that heating milk increases the lactose’s solubility, thereby making the milk taste sweeter? No? Your barista probably does would be more than happy to dork out with you.

10. If it’s 7:55am, I’ll assume you’re on your way to work and in a hurry. I’ll try not to ask the annoying questions I’m supposed to ask, and will get you out the door. If there’s a hold up somewhere, it’s not because the PBTC are taking their sweet time and don’t care about your schedule.

11. On a related note: if there’s a bit of line might I suggest using the time you’re waiting in it to decide what you’d like to order? All the folks behind you who just want a small black are slowly seething as you arrive at the register and start hemming and hawing. And I, the PBTC, must stand awkwardly twitching, non-verbally apologizing to the irritated mass behind you.

12. However, if you truly have NO IDEA what you want, or if anything on the menu is confusing in the slightest, ASK. It is my JOB to guide you to your personal beverage nirvana. I have had everything on the menu at least a zillion times, and, more importantly, can recommend things that aren’t listed. I can suggest cappuccino modifications that will ensure you a lifetime of your own perfect legal addictive stimulant. Just ASK.

13. I’ll try really hard not to weird you out with the fact that I remember your name and what you drink every day. But seriously, you come in every day. That’s “regular” status, embrace it. Maybe remember my name in return.

14. Want “regular” status, that most coveted level of patronage? Want the PBTC to say hi when you walk in, ask if you want “the uszhe”, and generally treat you like you’re awesome? Then be awesome. No one gets regular status by being a jerk. Pay attention to how the lines work, learn our names, maybe ask a few questions that indicate you see the PBTC as POTS (people outside the store) too. Not that tough, no?

15. It’s not EXpresso. We do judge you for that one.

16. If there’s something wrong with your order, your drink, the service, I do want to know. Really. I even want to make it right, as immediately as I can. No one does this job because they want to spread doom and gloom, and I don’t want anyone walking out an unhappy camper.

17. It’s just coffee, yes. But it can be much more, and chances are pretty good that the PBTC truly enjoy chatting with you, sharing what they know and love about the things they make and sell, and like being a part of your daily routine. The best customers don’t sweat the stuff that doesn’t matter (whoops, sorry, let me wipe that table) and appreciate the people (growers, pickers, roasters, baristas, PBTC) who do.

And we appreciate you, good customers. Thanks.